Lessons from the Church Ladies
This week at work has led to me having many feelings and questions about relationships in the Golden Years.
Story 1:
There was once a lady who fell in love with this man. He had just buried his wife, and met this new church lady. They got married and after 18 months of marriage, she learned he had dementia. Over time it got worse, and ultimately his daughter moved him to a place closer to her. The wife of course went with him. I haven't seen them in about 6 months or so. I get to work on Monday with 2 voicemails from her. The first saying he is dying, and she needs to figure out what to do. The second is a call back saying he is rough shape and would like a call back. On Monday I call her and she says he is still alive, but the nurse says any day now. I send her the funeral planning guide in the mail. Tuesday we check in with her, and she is encouraged to talk to the doctors and find out a plan. Wednesday morning I get in and check the voicemail. I have a message from her saying he died on Saturday and no one told me. Apparently the daughter is taking care of everything. But where does is leave this lovely church lady? Alone, needing closure with her husband who is now gone, and left out of the plan. Her plan was to be cremated next to him and put in the church's columbarium. The niches purchased were wife #1, husband, and wife #2 all in a row, so now will it be wife #1, empty niche, wife #2? I just can't imagine ever being in a position where I am uncomfortable advocated for myself or my husband. How do you plan for that? What does she do?
Story 2:
There was once a lady who fell in love with a man. She is his second wife. They have one daughter and he has several children from his previous marriage. They live happily together for a long time. Then one day he starts to fall a lot and get confused. Medications are adjusted, he gets better. Then she has a fall and breaks her leg. Her daughter now officially moves in with them because she can't care for herself and him without help. A year or so later, he gets worse, she gets better. They start looking at options for Assisted Living. Assisted living in America is completely financially unreacheable. Luckily he is a dual-citizen from Canada. They determine that him moving to Canada is the best option, where he will get cared for in a government run facility at very little cost to them. He has kids and grandkids there. She has grandkids here. He moves away, she is home to age by herself. I can't imagine the conversations that needed to lead up to this decision- its better to separate in the last years. How do you even make that choice?
Both of these stories this week remind to hold my husband tight and never let go. To advocate for him, myself, my parents, my grandmothers, my inlaws, my kids... No one should get stuck making these hard choices. I wonder if this is why my Grandmother never got married again, she just preferred being taking care of until it was too hard; then the boyfriend's families dealt with them, but is that love? What can you do? How do you make life easier for the seniors in your life?
Story 1:
There was once a lady who fell in love with this man. He had just buried his wife, and met this new church lady. They got married and after 18 months of marriage, she learned he had dementia. Over time it got worse, and ultimately his daughter moved him to a place closer to her. The wife of course went with him. I haven't seen them in about 6 months or so. I get to work on Monday with 2 voicemails from her. The first saying he is dying, and she needs to figure out what to do. The second is a call back saying he is rough shape and would like a call back. On Monday I call her and she says he is still alive, but the nurse says any day now. I send her the funeral planning guide in the mail. Tuesday we check in with her, and she is encouraged to talk to the doctors and find out a plan. Wednesday morning I get in and check the voicemail. I have a message from her saying he died on Saturday and no one told me. Apparently the daughter is taking care of everything. But where does is leave this lovely church lady? Alone, needing closure with her husband who is now gone, and left out of the plan. Her plan was to be cremated next to him and put in the church's columbarium. The niches purchased were wife #1, husband, and wife #2 all in a row, so now will it be wife #1, empty niche, wife #2? I just can't imagine ever being in a position where I am uncomfortable advocated for myself or my husband. How do you plan for that? What does she do?
Story 2:
There was once a lady who fell in love with a man. She is his second wife. They have one daughter and he has several children from his previous marriage. They live happily together for a long time. Then one day he starts to fall a lot and get confused. Medications are adjusted, he gets better. Then she has a fall and breaks her leg. Her daughter now officially moves in with them because she can't care for herself and him without help. A year or so later, he gets worse, she gets better. They start looking at options for Assisted Living. Assisted living in America is completely financially unreacheable. Luckily he is a dual-citizen from Canada. They determine that him moving to Canada is the best option, where he will get cared for in a government run facility at very little cost to them. He has kids and grandkids there. She has grandkids here. He moves away, she is home to age by herself. I can't imagine the conversations that needed to lead up to this decision- its better to separate in the last years. How do you even make that choice?
Both of these stories this week remind to hold my husband tight and never let go. To advocate for him, myself, my parents, my grandmothers, my inlaws, my kids... No one should get stuck making these hard choices. I wonder if this is why my Grandmother never got married again, she just preferred being taking care of until it was too hard; then the boyfriend's families dealt with them, but is that love? What can you do? How do you make life easier for the seniors in your life?
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